Sunday, February 28, 2010

Life and Learning

How is it, that one minute everything is perfect, for the most part, and then....
Tom and I were at lunch a few weeks ago and I told him that I had been having thoughts about how our life was so blessed. I was thinking about the trials and adversities we have had. I wondered if those were my refiner's fire or was there something larger, more defining in our future. Was I to be tried so much more that perhaps I would not make it through? Where I would question my faith? Was I to have some trial perhaps, that would break me or at least mold me painfully? Would I be able to overcome? And he said he had been thinking along the same lines. We have been so blessed in our lives, our family, our business. What payment would be required at the Lord's hand? How would He choose to refine, define, and make us what we need to be to inherit what He has for us? Anyway, it was a great discussion over tacos at our favorite restaurant. And then WHAM!! Life as we knew ended one Friday night a few days later. On Feb. 12 to be exact! One of those dates that must surely have cosmic overtones!!!(Both of my grandmothers were born on that day.) I went to lunch with friends to celebrate one of their birthdays and then came home for a little siesta. Life is good! Went to dinner and a movie with dear hubby! Came home and just sat down for a little relaxing before bed and the phone rang. I usually won't answer it but since it was about 10:30 I thought it might be important. It was. My mother was on the other line gasping for breath. "Come, I need you!" And we went. And life was never the same again. By Tues. it was evident that she would never be able to be on her own again and there was no way my brother and I could make it work, taking turns at her home. So I made the decision to bring her home. Tom supported me fully, the devoted and wonderful husband that he is. We called all of the family and many came to bid farewell. We thought it was imminent. The nurses at Hospice thought it was imminent! Maybe it still is! That was 2 weeks ago. When the family started arriving, Mom rallied. She is still weak as a kitten and has to be fully tended but she is still very much with us most of the time. One more brother is due to arrive on Tues. With her medication, she is still able to breathe and her sweet litte heart continues to pump, though very very softly and slowly. I don't know how long she will be with me but I count these moments precious. That is not to say this is not the biggest trial of my life thus far. If you know me, you know I have a somewhat, shall I say, aggravating?, relationship with my mom? From the time I was very young, we butted heads. But now, I am being molded in patience, compassions, long-suffering (especially the nights!),and in doing good. I am learning that is hard to put your needs, wants, and desires all on hold, not knowing for how long, to do the hard things needed doing for someone else. Life is not easy these days. Some days I want to cry and say, Give me my life back!! But someday I will have it back and that will mean I won't have my sweet wonderful mother to kiss and tuck in at night. She used to tuck me in and sing me a little song, " Ship Ahoy". Now it is my turn to tuck her in and sing to her, to hold her hand when she can't get her breath and tell her it will be all right. It is a privilege to be her daughter. She has born many sorrows in her life, and I am blessed to be able to help her through this end of times. She is gracious and so very grateful, never forgetting to thank me for letting her come home with me,like I could let her go anywhere else. Looking on her, so frail and slight, I am amazed by her inner strength. Though we have locked horns many times through out our lives, she is truly my hero and I am blessed among daughters.

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